Sweet Dreams
by liketolaugh
Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.
1. First Dream

**A/N: *cough* Ahem. So I've been thinkin' 'bout this for a while now - had the first chapter done some time ago. But now I'm resuming work on it. Because I find the idea interesting, and also, none of my other current ideas are this, ah, traumatic. Which I enjoy writing. *cough* Enjoy their pain, you sadists. (Pot, kettle, I know.)**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

The shadows are dancing. Isn't that funny? Look at them, playing among the glistening pools of blood. I'd like to play with them, but I can't stand. I can try, but my arms won't move, and I'm shaking.

You can't move either, can you, Johnny? That's okay. As soon as I can stand, I'll move for both of us. I'll run and run.

I'm numb. It hurt before, but it stopped, and now I'm numb. Is this how Mana felt?

It must be. Mana was insane, you know, and I know it better than I know my reflection.

You see, it's this, when colors are too bright and the world is inside out and upside down, only it's not, really, I think.

Only maybe it is, because I can't see the sun and everything hurts and I can't hear my own voice or anyone else's, either.

When you learn that you were dreaming all along. You must have been. Nothing else made sense, it couldn't… couldn't have _really_ happened…

And Johnny, maybe it's best if you never wake up. Because, this dream?

I think it's a nightmare.

* * *

The cell was quiet. This was for, primarily, two reasons: one, Kanda was slumped - shivering, half-conscious, utterly silent - in the corner, and two, Link was trying very hard not to disturb him.

It had been, at Link's best estimate, two months since the Noah had captured the four of them under the watchful eye of the Millenium Earl. It had been five weeks since he had last seen Allen's face and three since he had last seen Johnny's. It had been two weeks since he had heard Johnny scream, a week and a half since he had heard Allen, and a week since Kanda had spoken.

This, of course, assumed that Link was correct, and they indeed received precisely one meal every day.

Link was not an optimistic man, and he did not like to put his faith in a higher being. But every time he went to sleep, he prayed for mercy from a merciless God.

Link's head snapped up as he heard a stirring from the corner, and Kanda, navy eyes dark and unfocused, lifted his head to meet his gaze, face sickly pale.

That was another thing. Kanda had been healing more and more slowly as of late, even before they had been captured; by now, Link believed that he was down to a nearly human rate.

This was problematic, because it meant that Kanda was covered in cuts and bruises and at least three broken ribs and one sprained wrist, and the floor was so encrusted with dried blood, nearly all Kanda's, that Link could no longer make out the stone floor beneath.

In a quiet, selfish way, Link was glad the Noah had shown little interest in him after the first few weeks. A much louder and more frantic part wished that, for once, they would take him, rather than the breaking boy before him.

Seeing that Kanda's attention was now firmly on him, Link climbed carefully to his feet and crossed the room to instead kneel beside him, letting his hands go through familiar motions and his mouth fill the silence. Kanda's gaze stayed where Link had been moments before, not reacting.

"No food was delivered while you were gone," Link said quietly, voice alone in the stillness. "However, Tyki Mikk replaced the jug of water, and he tells me that Allen remains alive."

At Allen's name, Kanda slowly dragged his gaze to Link again. Link, shoulders tense as he examined Kanda's newest set of injuries - markedly, a fresh assortment of lacerations on his back, right atop the old ones - pretended not to notice.

"I believe we can spare enough water to wash these." Though Link would have to go without. "Wait here."

Kanda did not react, but neither did he move as Link went to fetch the jug of water, nor did he so much as flinch as he started to wash the fresh, bloody welts.

Link hid his concern with the ease of long practice. Kanda had been growing steadily less responsive as time passed, and while, initially, Link had believed that he was handling their captivity admirably well, now he feared the exorcist was shutting down. Link suspected that helplessness did not agree with him.

"Your remaining healing ability should prevent infection," Link continued, filling the silence as much for himself as for Kanda. "However, the steady decline-" He froze at the loud click of the lock.

No. Absolutely not. Kanda had only just returned, it had not taken him overlong to stir, and Link was still cleaning his wounds. They could not be back for Kanda already, and they had lost interest in Link weeks ago-

The door swung open, and there was Lavi.

Link's mind shorted out, briefly. He was out of practice.

Lavi was dirty and battered, favoring his left leg, with a bruise peeking out from under his eyepatch and his headband missing. But it was Lavi, and he caught Link's startled stare, and he grinned, tired and ragged and pleased.

"Gotcha," the boy croaked, voice hoarse from, Link suspected, screaming.

"Bookman Junior?" he questioned, sluggish mind struggling to race.

"You look awful," Lavi said instead of something helpful, crossing the room with a noticeable limp. He dropped down beside Kanda and snapped his fingers in front of his face to draw his attention, concern half-hidden at best. "Hey. Yuu. Let's go, this place stinks of Noah."

Kanda blinked at the fingers in his face, and his gaze drifted up Lavi's arm, and then to his eyes. He stared for a minute, and then recognition glinted somewhere in hollow navy, and his gaze fell to the floor again.

Link had just started to worry that he would have to employ drastic measures when Kanda pushed himself to his feet and headed for the door. Lavi looked pleased.

"Great. Now, Tyki and Road can only buy so much time, and Gramps is finding the way out-"

"We need to find Allen and Johnny," Link interrupted, tucking away that tidbit for later, when he had enough energy to process it.

Lavi stopped talking, took a moment to process that, and then blanched.

"Allen's here?"

"And Johnny," Link confirmed, cursing the tremble of his hands and the stumble in his step as he followed Kanda. His eyes cut back to Lavi and narrowed, a frown twisting his mouth. "Is that not what drew you here?"

"Huh?" Lavi, faintly surprised, shook his head, hurrying so he was half a step behind Link. "No, no. I saw Kanda in the… the room. Y'know, the one with the post." He waved his hand vaguely, as though talking of a room with a flogging post and a rack of whips and switches was normal.

Link didn't notice that, though, because he had started to notice other things, things that could not be attributed to battle - the hollowness of his cheeks, the dryness of his lips, the wear of his clothes, and shaking hands and wavering steps to match Link's own.

"...I did not know you were here," Link said guardedly.

"Well, that makes two of us, two-spots."

Both of them headed after wandering Kanda for a few minutes in silence before Lavi spoke again.

"What's up with Yuu? He didn't seem himself."

Link licked his own suddenly dry lips, feeling the harsh burn of Lavi's single, worried green eye without looking.

"I believe… he discovered the limits of his own strength." Link blew out a long breath, hearing his heartbeat in his ears. "He may have finally been pushed too far."

Even without looking, Link could sense how unsettled this made Lavi, and privately, he agreed.

"Oh."

Up ahead, Kanda, with some unfathomable instinct, turned sharply to face a door. Then, with his teeth bared in a furious snarl, he started to struggle with the lock, and Lavi hurried forward before he could make too much noise.

Even before the door had swung all the way open, Kanda was in and Lavi had stiffened. Link caught up a moment later and, with a sense of dread, moved his gaze past Lavi's frozen expression to the cell within.

The floor, he noted, was as thick with blood as his own cell's had been. It stank, almost covering the distinctive smell of decay.

In the back of the room, Kanda was prodding roughly at Allen, and Allen, though clearly aware of him, was staunchly ignoring him, murmuring in the ear of Johnny's still recognizable corpse. A smile, soft and gentle, stretched across his lips, and his eyes were closed, face streaked with tears, forehead just brushing Johnny's hair.

"I thought I'd learned to wake from nightmares, but that was silly. You can't ever wake up if they don't want you to. But thank you, Johnny. You tried really hard. You can go ahead and sleep now. I'll take you home."

Oh.

* * *

 **So yeah. That. It's about twelve chapters long, and it might be a little hard to follow sometimes, be warned. 'Cause, you know, most of the POV characters aren't all there. So yeah. *shrug* Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	2. Second Dream

**A/N: Here we go! It's Sunday (technically speaking, but I'm not good at waking in a timely manner during the summer) and so we have the second chapter, and the first good look at their... problems.**

 **Thank you to feathered-equine, CaptainOkwd, and RMXStudio for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"-and then the Bookman apprentice broke into our cell. Kanda found Walker's cell, and we made our way out from there."

"Casualties?"

"Kanda's healing ability appears to have been nearly worn out. It is... difficult to judge, but I believe that Walker is now blind in his right eye and deaf in his left ear. Johnny died sometime during custody. And then there is the obvious."

"I... see."

Allen looked up from his fingers to watch the light gleam off of Komui's glasses, and then caught his worried expression and smiled reassuringly, though he couldn't quite seem to make the tears stop flowing from his eyes.

It felt like he was forgetting something, though. What was he forgetting?

Oh, well. He'd remember another time.

His eyes drifted to the papers strewn across the floor, and he smiled as a stray breeze made them scatter around some more.

"Do you think they'll ever recover?"

"Yuu and the beansprout, you mean? 'Cause physically, I think they'll be fine. Otherwise? Too early to tell for sure, I think. Two-spot?"

Allen's gaze drifted to Kanda, watching the stretch and fold of fabric with fascination as Kanda fidgeted. He lifted his eyes to observe Kanda's and found them distant, expression tense. Allen laughed. Kanda was always too tense.

"Kanda, perhaps, if we are very fortunate. But Walker… you are aware, aren't you, that Walker was not the most stable to begin with?"

"...Yeah."

"...Peripherally, yes."

Allen heard a knock and lifted his gaze to the ceiling, looking at the cracks. Like an eggshell. He wondered what had happened.

"Who is it?"

The door opened. Allen found a bug on the ceiling and smiled. He liked spiders.

"We need to speak to the Noah immediately."

"Well, I'm afraid there aren't any Noah here, and you need to leave."

"You know of whom we speak, Chief Lee. Give us Allen Walker or we will interrogate him here. It is vital that we learn what we can about the enemy's base."

Allen's eyes turned to his other side and he beamed as he found Lavi looking at him, eye gleaming with concern. Lavi was silly. He told him he was fine! Lavi looked away.

"Look, I don't know if you noticed, but the beansprout's not in a real good condition to be answering questions right now. If you need to know anything, you can ask me or two-spot. We were there too."

"No. We'll talk to the Noah."

Lavi looked angry. Allen frowned.

"It's fine, Lavi," he tried to reassure him. Lavi's frown deepened.

"I'm not convinced that you know what you're saying."

"He said it's fine. We are talking to him whether you like it or not, Bookman. Make way."

Lavi stood up and moved away, and Allen sighed. Well, Lavi had that right, he supposed, but Allen wished he had stayed around.

Oh, wait. He was still in the room. Allen smiled.

There were two more people now, though, with stern, unforgiving expressions just visible behind cloaks. He smiled politely.

"Hello," he told them.

Link looked worried. A lot of people were looking worried today, Allen noticed. He wondered what was wrong.

"Noah."

Allen's gaze drifted away from them, since they didn't seem to be talking to him. He found Kanda, frowning at the ceiling suspiciously. It was good to see Kanda, and he was only a little bit hurt.

"Noah! Look at me!"

"He's not in his right mind. He probably doesn't even realize you're talking to him - he has a name, you know."

"Fine. Allen."

Allen started as he heard his name, and then looked over quizzically. "Yes?"

"We need to speak with you about what happened inside the Noah's base. Now, if you please."

Allen frowned. Inside… the Noah's base? Why? He couldn't seem to remember.

"How many Noah were there?"

How… many? He didn't… Noah? That sounded familiar…

"Were there any weak spots?"

Weak spots? No, no. Stone everywhere. Nothing but stone. Stone, stone, blood and wood and sharpness… Allen started squirming in discomfort, cheeks flushing unhappily, fidgeting.

"Noah! Did you speak to any of your fellow Noah while you were there?"

Speak? Speak to them? Had he spoken to them?

Why were they asking him? He couldn't remember. Were they still talking to him? What did they want?

"Did you see the Millennium Earl? Tell us!"

The… the Millennium Earl? That was what he'd forgotten. Something about the Earl…

The Earl, he had- and he was… Allen's eyes widened in horror. No. No, that had been a dream, that must have been a dream, it was just a dream! No!

"Stop it! Can't you see what it's doing to him?"

"How did your friend die? Did you kill him?"

That was right, that was right, the Earl was- and then Mana had-

Allen screamed. He screamed so loud he couldn't hear anymore, couldn't hear what they were saying, couldn't hear his thoughts inside his head, or Mana- or Johnny- he couldn't hear, he kept screaming, he covered his ears, no, he didn't want-

Suddenly, he was surrounded by something. His face was pressed to a chest, his ears were being covered by hands other than his own, and eventually, Allen's screams, hoarse and terrified, slowed to a stop, and he panted, face flushed and breathless, still whimpering quietly.

"Oh, God."

"Allen? You alright, buddy? ...Ah! Yuu! Okay, fine, okay!"

Allen slowly opened his eyes.

Oh. Kanda was holding him. That was new. He was glaring at everyone else, who looked pale and alarmed. That wasn't. A growling sound rumbled in the air from somewhere near his ear.

He smiled wanly at them. They didn't need to worry. Allen was fine.

They didn't look convinced, though. That was a shame.

His throat felt sore. What had happened?

Oh, right, he'd been screaming. Why had he been screaming? He couldn't remember.

Oh, well. He'd probably remember another time.

"Oh, God, have _mercy."_

Allen laughed. God have mercy. That was a funny joke. He'd have to remember it.

* * *

 **Yep! Like I said, first good look. Wasn't it nice? *pleasant* I'm having a little more trouble than I expected - this chapter came pretty easy, but the next few I keep going back and editing 'cause they aren't quite as good. *frown* Ah, well. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	3. Third Dream

**A/N: Alright, so here we have number three, which is based on a Mana headcanon I have.**

 **Thank you to Resident of Wonderland, RMXStudio, NaruShika-Forever, and Demigo for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

He woke up and he didn't know where he was. He was inside, he was never inside, how was he inside, why?

The bed was soft, but he needed to leave, or he might be seen by whoever lived here. He rolled off and stumbled toward the door and opened it, but it didn't lead outside.

He whimpered in fear and hoped no one would see him as he found his way out, and he hurried down the hall, clutching his left arm to his body.

He looked over his shoulder, eyes wide and frightened, and a moment later he crashed into someone, who reached out and grabbed him as he tumbled back. His head jerked back around and he flinched, heart stopping.

A man with blond hair in a braid was frowning at him, holding him by his shoulders. He tried to pull away, but the man wasn't letting go, and a terrified sound eked out of his throat.

"Allen? What's wrong?"

He shook his head, closing his eyes so he couldn't see what was happening and continuing to struggle. "No, no, let me go, let me go!"

The man let go abruptly, and he turned and fled. The man ran after him. What did he do? What did he do to him?

He ran the wrong way, he ran entirely the wrong way, because now there were several people all in the hall, a girl with green hair and a boy with red and another with dark blue. He skidded to a halt and froze. Maybe if he didn't move, they wouldn't get mad.

Stupid. That never worked.

"Allen? What happened?"

"Something up, beansprout?"

He squeaked, and the girl and the redhead started to come near him. No, no… But the blond man was behind him. He had to get out. He had to _get out!_

He darted, as fast as he could, and squeezed between them, then kept running.

He heard shouting. He had to run, they'd get him, they'd get him! He was sorry, he was sorry!

There! He could fit there, and they couldn't get him, and maybe they'd go away, and then he could get out.

He squeezed into the corner, protected by some boxes that would keep them from seeing him if he moved them like - yes. And he half-turned to peek out, eyes wide and filled with frightened tears, arms around himself as if they could protect him.

No! The redhead and the girl were there, looking around the room. The blond man followed a few minutes later, his hand on the blue-haired man's shoulder. The blue-haired man wasn't really looking, just staring at the wall, but the rest were.

The blond man shut the door.

"So we'll know if he leaves while we're not looking."

"Okay… Lavi, how sure are you that he's in here?"

"Definitely sure. And look at all this - lots of places to hide."

He flinched and pressed himself further into the corner. Tears started to spill down his cheeks. They wanted him so bad, what did he do? Was it because he was inside? He was sorry! He didn't know how he'd gotten here!

He wanted to leave.

"I mean, we could find him, even if it would take a while. But, you know, I'm not sure how much good it'd do. I'm not even sure he recognized us."

"I… I didn't think he'd gotten that bad."

"...Me either. Allen! Allen? We don't want to hurt you, I promise. Can you just come talk to us?"

"Do you really think that will work, Bookman Junior?"

"Do we have much of a choice? C'mon, beansprout. I'd never hurt you. Swear on my life, okay?"

The blue-haired boy had wandered over close to him, and he peered in, finding him easily and staring at him, with almost nothing in that gaze.

But he didn't make any move to get in.

"Oh, c'mon, beansprout! We've got food! Dango! Steak! Potatoes!"

"Lavi!"

"Do you have any better ideas?"

"Bookman Junior. I believe Kanda has found him."

"What? Oh! Great!"

The redhead came over and he flinched back, shaking. Oh, please, no… He just wanted to leave, please...

"Hey, Allen. Can you come out for us? I promise you'll be okay."

He flinched again, and a growl came through the air. The blue-haired man was glaring at the redhead, who cringed away from him a little, green eye flickering with something he couldn't read.

The blue-haired man knew where he was before. But he didn't seem like he was going to hurt him. And the redhead wasn't making any move to do so, either. The girl and the blond were just hanging back, but they didn't look mean.

He allowed himself a little bit of hope, and crawled forward, pushing the boxes aside again, slow and tentative. The redhead smiled, holding a hand out coaxingly, green eye dark with something that wasn't anger and wasn't malice.

"Yeah, that's it, Allen. Let's get you some food, okay? You're gonna be fine."

The redhead's voice cracked with the last few words. He wondered why they were calling him Allen.

* * *

The next morning, Allen woke up. He rolled over on his bed and sat up, feeling dazed and confused. His gaze drifted across the floor, found a set of chair legs, and lifted up to meet Link's gaze.

Link looked worried. Allen smiled at him. Link worried too much.

"Allen? Are you okay?"

Yes, that was it. Allen nodded. Link was getting it now. Allen was fine.

"What happened yesterday?"

Allen thought about that for a bit, and then he frowned. He couldn't remember anything about yesterday. Link was frowning. He still looked worried, despite Allen's assurances.

"You were not acting yourself. You did not seem to recognize us."

...Didn't recognize them? Oh. Had he really?

Allen let his gaze drift away from Link, and it landed on the door. The doorknob looked shiny, he noted. But a little dirty. He wondered why.

"Mana did that sometimes," he said vaguely, remembering that Link was still looking for an answer. But he didn't want to think about that.

There was something about Mana, now he thought about it. Something important. He'd forgotten, though. He wished he hadn't, but thinking about Mana hurt too much to try and remember.

"He went mad, too," Allen added.

Because Allen knew madness. He'd spent three years talking to it all the time. This, it was like welcoming an old friend back.

Allen knew he was mad, too.

* * *

 **Heh. *apologetic smile* I don't actually have plans in place to do this again, but I figure it would happen. *shrug* Also, I've been more invested in Allen's friendships lately, huh... *muse* Well, thanks for reading, and please review!**


	4. Fourth Dream

**A/N:Okay, chapter four, chapter four... sorry, I'm going to be away for the next few weeks and I'm trying to arrange all of these in advance, so that all I have to do is put in the reviewers' names, name the chapter (these'll be easy), and post.**

 **Thank you to I love pink, RMXStudio, and MsMusicLover for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

Allen was on a train. Scenery moved passed the window, and he looked out intently.

"This is such a bad idea."

Allen's gaze drifted from the window and lingered on Link's forehead. It was wrinkled. He laughed; it looked funny.

A growling sound rang in the compartment. Allen patted Kanda's knee absently. It stopped, but Kanda still felt tense. With effort, Allen dragged his eyes over to Kanda, who was staring at the ceiling, scowling at nothing. He looked twitchy. Allen laughed. Kanda didn't react.

Allen let his gaze drift back to the window and he jumped; the fields were gone and now there was stonework.

He wondered what was happening and decided to get up and ask somebody. He stood up and started to move toward the door.

"Allen, sit down."

Allen turned and gave Link a puzzled look. He looked back sternly, and Allen gave a put-upon sigh and sat back down, staring out the window again. There was stonework. It looked nice.

"I can't imagine why they thought this could possibly be a good idea. Everything is going to go wrong, and I won't be able to do anything about it."

Allen laughed. Link was funny.

"We'll be fine, Link," he reassured him anyway, because he hated it when people worried. "We've done this a lot."

"I know, Allen. That's not why I'm worried."

Allen knew that. Allen laughed. Link was still silly.

A lot of things went away when you went mad, but the need to fight wasn't one of them.

The train stopped, and Link got up and left, giving Allen an expectant look. Allen stood up, forgot what he was supposed to be doing, and wandered around in a small circle before he spotted Kanda, tugged him up with a hand on his wrist, and laughed at his scowl. Kanda was grumpy, but he knew he wouldn't hurt him. Kanda had been there, too. When…

Huh. He couldn't remember.

He shrugged and went out the door, and Kanda followed grudgingly, frowning at the floor.

Link was waiting for them, and he frowned as he spotted Allen and Kanda, but then sighed, grabbed Allen's shoulder, and led him off the train. Kanda followed, growling at random passersby, eyes darting and not really looking at anything.

"Remember that you are on a mission. There are no humans here except you two and myself. ...Be careful."

Allen stilled. His eye hurt. His cursed one.

It whirred to life. His breath caught.

 _Akuma._

Crown Clown woke up. Allen tensed. Strips of clean white Crown Belt wrapped around his limbs, helping him along. He moved.

His arm was gone, but he had his sword. He swung, and people shattered. He panted, eyes wide, not from exertion but from panic and desperation.

No. There were too many. They were everywhere. Allen hated it. The crying. The screaming. Looming threats of death and pain. His friends. His friends! Please, no!

A bullet caught his arm. Green light flared behind his eyes, and the budding infection died. Allen barely noticed. There was a screaming soul in front of him, and his chest hurt. He lashed out, and the screaming ended.

"No, Walker! You're diving right into them!"

Navy blue rushed in front of him, and a whole line of screaming souls faded away. Kanda's eyes were wide and wild, his teeth bared. Animalistic.

Allen turned, and Crown Clown turned, and it was hard to tell the difference. Akuma oil flew through the air, and words followed, but Allen didn't hear a single one.

There were too many akuma.

And they all needed to _die._

It was a little harder to move. His body hurt. Crown Clown was helping a little more, urging him along, to destroy more akuma, more souls. He moved faster, slightly gaping mouth changing to form a frightened snarl like he hadn't worn since childhood, tears in his eyes.

He was drenched in sticky red and slick black. His vision blurred, fading in and out, and beyond the akuma there was only violet, laughing, painful violet, dark at the edges and haunting the back of his mind.

It was hard to breathe and he was dizzy. He was thrown to the ground and into walls and people shattered and souls fled and the Earl laughed. There was something about the Earl. Something about the Earl…

"Allen! _Stop!"_

Allen froze, like a child caught doing something wrong. Even his breath stuttered in his chest.

Link brushed past him and then turned to face him, breathing slightly heavy, hair and clothing damp with akuma oil, skin smudged, but not drenched like Allen. Allen stared at him, eyes wide, breathing erratic and hand too tight on his sword.

Link? Link. Right. Okay. Okay.

"The akuma are dead. Look."

Allen looked.

The buildings were broken. He could see cracks. He remembered making some of them.

Kanda was whirling around, baring his teeth at every movement, hands so tight on Mugen that they were shaking. It was good to see Kanda.

But there were no akuma.

Oh.

"Oh," he repeated out loud, soft.

Link took a long, deep breath, sounding like he needed it as much as Allen did. (Allen couldn't quite seem to manage it, though.)

"Let's go get Kanda. We're returning to the station."

"Okay," Allen repeated quietly, head down, shoulders hunched.

Crown Clown went back to sleep. He missed the feel of its cloak, the weight of the sword, but he couldn't keep it awake forever.

He reached Kanda, Kanda menaced him with his sword and wide eyes, and Allen gently pushed it away, grabbed his hand, and pulled him toward the station. Kanda obeyed with nothing but a scowl.

Kanda was silly. Sometimes he forgot he wasn't tied down anymore, and he could do things now.

When they got there, Link was sitting down, his head in his hands, breathing hard. Allen sat down beside him, curled up in a ball, and started humming, forehead pressed to his knees.

He wondered where he knew this song from. It reminded him of Mana.

Link laughed. It wasn't a happy laugh, though.

But still. It reminded him of Mana.

Something about Mana…

Something about Mana's brother, too… About Neah...

* * *

 **Link was, in fact, right, and this was, in fact, a horrible idea. *shrug* Not that the Central bastards care. Thanks for reading and please review!**


	5. Fifth Dream

**A/N: Likewise to Fear of Infinity, this is the last chapter I have prepared in advance. *apprehensive* But I'm glad I have enough to cover the whole vacation, at least. (Cosmic Composite does not have this problem. Cosmic Composite will take me some ways into the school year, and I'm still smooth sailing with it. *laugh*) Well, go on, then.**

 **Thank you to i love pink, RMXStudio, MsMusicLover, and Oh Look. A Flying Cow for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

They arrived back at Headquarters, and Allen beamed.

Then they went inside.

There were cracks in the walls, Allen noticed. And rocks on the ground. Pieces missing from the ceiling. That was strange. He wondered how many people had been thrown into them. How the people had come out.

There were red smears on the floor and the walls. There was one on the ceiling, too, and he laughed. He wondered how it got there.

Allen saw people on the ground. He wondered if they'd fallen asleep, or woken up. It was hard to tell the difference.

Kanda was staring at one person in particular, frowning. Then his gaze flicked to the cracks in the walls, and a smear on the ground, and another body. There was no comprehension in those eyes. Allen was glad. Kanda didn't want to know, anyway.

Link knew, though. His mouth was twisting, teeth gritting as he looked around, tension close to making him vibrate.

"Allen! Kanda! Link! Oh, thank goodness!"

Allen looked over, tilted his head. Lenalee was hurrying toward them, tears in her eyes, running with bare feet that looked raw and bloody. Then she fair threw herself at him, holding him tight, and after a moment, he held her back.

"I was so worried, Allen!"

Lenalee let go of him, and moved to hug Kanda, who stared blankly, and then Link, who looked as confused as Kanda.

"With everything- I thought…Well, I'm glad you made it back okay."

"Miss Lee, what happened here?"

Lenalee laughed wetly, shaking violently. Allen worried.

"A Noah attack. I- We got them but we haven't added up the casualties yet, and I saw Krory… We aren't sure who's all died yet."

"I understand. Your brother?"

"Komui's fine. I made… I made sure."

"I'm sure you did your very best, Lenalee. I don't believe you're capable of anything less."

Lenalee looked despondent. Allen went up and hugged her again and murmured in her ear reassuringly,

"We all do the best we can, Lenalee. You and me and Kanda and everyone. We might not make it out alright - but we can make sure the rest of the world does."

Lenalee let out a quiet half-sob. "But I want my _friends_ to be okay, Allen," she said desperately. "I want _you_ to be okay, and Kanda, and Lavi..."

Allen smiled, though she couldn't see it from this position. Lenalee had always cared. It was his favorite thing about her. And she was so _stubborn._

He didn't say anything, though, because that was just a dream and she knew it and he knew it but neither of them wanted to say it out loud.

"Lenalee!"

Lenalee extracted herself and turned to face her brother with that brave look on. Allen smiled.

Oh. There was Komui, pale but dead-serious. Only not actually dead, which was good. Lenalee would be so upset.

Allen let his gaze wander back over the hallway. Some of the bodies were half-eaten, he noticed. Strange. One of them had red hair like his used to be, and he smiled faintly.

"Lenalee, Marie and Miranda aren't back from their mission. I hate to ask this, but could you…?"

"Of course, brother. It wasn't far away, was it? I could fly there."

"Yes. Thank you, Lenalee."

"Anytime."

Lenalee's voice shook, Allen noticed, and he looked at her with concern. She gave him a reassuring smile, and he smiled back, and she left.

Link appeared by Allen, who was surprised. He'd forgotten Link was there.

Not Kanda, though. Kanda was leaning against a wall and staring at the red stain at his feet. Allen had never lost track of Kanda.

"Alright, Allen. Let's see what damage has been done."

Allen nodded absently.

There were cracks in the walls and the floor and the people. There were chunks missing from the walls and the ceiling, laying around on the ground.

He would bet that there were people missing, too. The evidence was all over the floor.

* * *

When Lenalee returned, only Miranda was with her.

Lenalee was carrying her, Allen noticed, and Miranda, bloody and bruised, was staring off into space, completely blank and unresponsive.

Oh. Miranda woke up, too, then. Or fell asleep. He knew there was a difference, but he couldn't remember.

Lenalee was shaking, and crying, and just kept shaking her head to the shouting as she was rushed by anxious people, who took Miranda away to the infirmary.

Allen went up, touched her shoulder, tilted his head in concern. He lifted her head so he could see her eyes, and she threw herself at him, they both tumbled to the ground, and she laughed.

She was crying and she laughed and she shook, shaking her head back and forth against his chest.

"I can't believe it. I can't believe it. Even when you're still alive, I just… keep… losing you! I just-"

She was laughing really hard, Allen noted fondly, patting her back. Laughing and crying.

"She didn't recognize me, Allen! And he was on her for hours, _dead-_ And she- Allen-"

And now she was just crying. Allen sighed, but kept rubbing her back.

Lenalee wasn't going to be okay, he realized. But she'd be in good company. And Komui would take care of her.

When Komui found them, Allen tilted his head up to look at him and offered a faint smile, because Komui looked really worried.

Komui just looked crushed, though. That was sad.

Probably not wrong, though. He loved Lenalee a lot.

Mana had loved him that much, too. But not as much as he'd loved his little brother. That was sad, too, but okay. He'd known that.

It was stupid to cry about it.

* * *

 **Again, I'm sorry if this is a little hard to follow, but it's primarily Allen POV and he's not the most _aware_ right now. I'm trying my best to drop hints as to what happened to each of them - you guys are catching those, right? *worried* Well, thanks for reading, and please review!**


	6. Sixth Dream

**A/N: I have returned home, and now I have more painful insanity for you.**

 **Thank you to Cutiepie120048, JinkiesCrown, i love pink, InsanityOwl, RMXStudio, and guest for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

 _"What the fuck did you do to my apprentice?"_

There was a hand on Allen's back. He was trembling, shaking his head, tears pouring down his face as his breath hitched fearfully, arms over his head in a protective gesture. No. No, no, no, no, no.

"General Cross-"

"No, what the _actual fuck_ did you do to Allen?"

Link sounded a little alarmed. Allen let out a soft whimper and turned his head away, into Lavi's hand, which was stroking through his hair, the other on his back.

"C'mon, Allen, calm down, buddy, no one's going to hurt you, you're alright…"

Lavi often sounded sad when he was speaking to Allen now. Allen could imagine the worried expression on his face, and he'd see it if he looked up, but no. No, he didn't want to. He didn't want to!

"General Cross, I must request that you calm down. You're frightening Allen, and if he gets much worse, he's going to start screaming."

There was a thump and a sigh, heavy and irritated. Allen whimpered again but opened his eyes to stare at Lavi, who was staring back, green eye dark again.

The room was wrecked. There was stone crumbled everywhere. Miranda sat and stared at the table, and Lenalee flinched, tears running down her face and terror in her eyes. Kanda, twitching for his sword, glared at a man with long red hair, who-

Allen slammed his eyes shut again, and a high whine erupted from his throat. Lavi's hand returned, fingers in his hair. It felt nice, and Allen's breathing steadied a little. Lavi was nice to him. Lavi had always been nice to him.

"I was gone for _one year._ What the hell happened?"

"The Noah happened. It is uncertain what they did, but Allen cannot stand close contemplation of either the Millennium Earl or the Fourteenth, and the Fourteenth no longer appears to be present."

"..."

"General Cross, do you have an idea of what may have happened?"

"Fuck, I'm not gonna tell you. But yeah. I think I know a little. Should've guessed."

There was a snort. Allen winced and covered his ears, shaking. Master was dead. His master was _dead,_ and he _wasn't coming back! He was never coming back!_ The dead didn't come back to life, it didn't… it didn't work that way...

"You know, I spent a damn load of time keeping the little idiot from ending up like his father. Took _every_ possible measure I could think of. Only the Vatican could undo that in a year."

"We all know how you hate the Vatican, Cross. Do you know anything that could help?"

"We're getting kind of desperate here."

Allen had forgotten that Reever was there. How silly of him. His breathing was even and slow now, but he still didn't want to open his eyes. He was dreaming, and his dreams always turned out to be nightmares. Nightmares…

Maybe the lullaby…

He hummed softly, under his breath, a tune that he remembered from… somewhere. He heard a curse and paused to laugh a little; Reever overreacted to the funniest things.

 _"Shit,_ uh, Lavi, could you-?"

"Yeah, right. Hey, Allen, are you up to helping Lenalee?"

Allen opened his eyes. The window was cracked, but the sun was shining outside. The cracks reminded him of the ones in the walls. He looked at Lavi, who was looking at him a little desperately, and then at Lenalee, who was trembling and covering her ears, crying and cowering.

He nodded, face melting into concern and hum fading in his throat. He heard several sighs of relief, and shifted over to sit beside Lenalee, putting one gloved hand on her shoulder. She flinched away violently with a terrified whimper. Her eyes were wide and violet, so violet that Allen could drown in them, drown and remember butterflies and pressure and a hand around his heart.

But instead he leaned forward and hugged her, and she flinched and whimpered and thrashed, and he murmured in her ear until she calmed, crying against him, still shaking.

"Don't want… don't want…"

Lenalee was scared. She was scared she would lose everything again. Allen murmured reassurances until she wasn't so scared, but he knew that nothing could really soothe that fear, because, well.

She kind of was. Losing everything, he meant. Because her friends were everything to her, and they were falling to pieces around her.

"What was that?"

"Which part?"

Reever sounded bitter. He shouldn't sound bitter. Allen was concerned, but Lenalee needed him more right now. He'd talk to Reever later.

"The _humming._ Sure, it's _his_ song, but what the fuck is so bad about it?"

"Allen only hums that melody when he feels especially bad. If we let him stay like that for too long, he starts to scream."

"Yeah. And once Allen starts screaming, then _everything_ goes to hell. About the only one who doesn't react is Miranda. Have you ever tried getting a terrified Lenalee down from a roof? It's not easy."

 _"Fuck._ It's a nuthouse. Literally."

"Please don't."

Link sounded like he was in pain. Allen rubbed Lenalee's back, and she stopped crying but still shook against him, shaking her head, eyes closed in fear.

"No, I'm sorry, I'll do anything…"

 _Bargaining never works, Lenalee._ He wondered what she saw.

"Is everything alright in here?"

Allen glanced up and smiled in weary greeting. Komui looked worried; he always did lately. His eyes found Lenalee and saddened, and Allen let his smile fade. Nothing would comfort Komui, he knew. Nothing but Lenalee getting better.

And Lenalee wasn't going to get better.

"As well as can be expected, Chief. Allen's got Lenalee well in hand, if you're worried about it. I'm not sure Allen's acknowledged Cross' existence properly yet, though."

"Fair enough."

Komui sounded sad again. Allen sighed resignedly.

"Have you updated General Cross on the situation yet?"

"There's _more?"_

"Not yet."

Allen let his gaze wander again. There were long tables, half-filled, spread around the cracked-stone room. People in tan cloaks stared and whispered until Reever glared at them harshly, and then they stopped. A man with pink braids met his gaze and offered a sad smile; Jerry. Allen smiled back and let his gaze fall. He wanted to count the cracks in the floor, but there were too many. Some of them had blood in them.

"Several of the Noah had been killed, but as you can see, we've taken… heavy losses."

 _"Heavy losses?_ I think you're understating a little there, CROW."

Link looked frustrated. Allen gave him a concerned look, then let his gaze drift away. Lavi was trying to persuade Kanda to eat some of his ignored food. Kanda didn't seem to have noticed yet. Allen got Kanda's attention with a hand on his wrist and nodded at the food, causing Kanda to finally notice it and eat it. Lavi gave him a smile of gratitude, and Allen smiled brightly back.

He didn't feel like speaking, though. Couldn't think of any words. He'd do that part later.

"It's not a sure thing that we'll win, General. But one way or another… it's coming to a close."

"Does Allen even know he killed Tyki?"

Allen's head shot up, eyes wide.

Killed… Tyki? Tyki.

Tyki with the sly grin, Tyki with the wide eyes, bloody mouth, Tyki torn apart, terror and fear and blood and-

Allen's face twisted, and tears welled up in his eyes, and he screamed.

Hands took his shoulders and Lenalee wrenched away and Allen shook his head, _Tyki with his hand around his heart, Tyki with a sad smile, Tyki with a wink,_ and _his sword in Tyki's torso, his blood on his hands,_ and he couldn't hear anything and there was a sword at Cross' throat and Cross was shoving it away to lunge for Allen-

 _"Calm the fuck down, idiot apprentice!"_

Allen stopped. His hands were over his ringing ears. He hiccuped, tears in his eyes.

Cross' hands were rough and familiar on his shoulders. Kanda was being pinned down, flailing with mad rage, sword out of reach. Lenalee had fled to an upper corner of the room and was trembling; Komui was heading over there already, shaking and sad.

"M-master," he whispered, and his gaze landed on Cross' mask and lingered. Cross huffed and pushed his hair away, letting go of Allen.

"You're such a pain in my ass, idiot apprentice."

"They can't _do_ this anymore, Chief."

Reever sounded pained and angry. Allen took a deep breath. There were cracks in the walls, with shadows and looming creatures from Allen's mind. Lenalee was crying. Lavi had his head in his hands. Kanda had fallen still and was panting like a mad dog. Miranda did nothing but stare at the table with wide, haunted eyes, fingers twitching spasmodically.

"I know."

* * *

 **Okay, so now Cross has returned, awesome. In case it wasn't obvious, a lot more time's passed than Allen's registering, and there's been more than one battle since last chapter, but they're still in HQ. Okay? Thanks for reading and please review!**


	7. Seventh Dream

**A/N: Hello! *bright* I almost killed Cross this chapter. But then I decided it was stupid to bring him back and then instantly kill him.**

 **Thank you to WordsLeftBehind, i love pink, InsanityOwl, Yami-The Lord of Darkness, and A fan for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

The only people in the entire town, Allen noted, were the Black Order's people. Everyone else was gone. Like a crime scene. Like a graveyard.

A little boy was screaming, and he could hear buildings breaking, and the pained screams of other people. Allen watched the little boy scream and flail and knock people into walls with more strength than Allen could imagine fitting in such a little body. Many of those people fell and did not rise.

Red smears decorated the ground, and Allen could see Link pursuing the screaming boy, not quite able to catch up. Allen's gaze drifted. There was dusty glass in the windows, some of which were broken. Stretches of black stars decorated some parts of the ground. More glass glittered on the ground, some nestled in the creases of empty sets of clothing.

Through the windows, Allen could see shattered tea sets, broken plates, upturned chairs and tables… There were people here once, he thought. But not anymore. Now there was just the Order. There was Lenalee, clinging to a chimney so hard her fingers bled, face hidden in the brick and crying.

There weren't very many people at the Order anymore. Lots of workers. But not very many people.

Allen couldn't move. The screaming reached into his muscles and held them still, and he was staring forward and shaking slightly, breathing short and quick. Kanda was in front of him, tense as a piano wire, sword out, but he didn't seem to know what to do, so he just stood there, looking around, angry at everything. Kanda was always so angry. So angry.

He'd been angry then, too. Chained to the wall. Pulling and yelling. He'd sounded so scared, Allen recalled dimly. So scared. Furious, too. _Panicked._ What could panic Kanda?

Allen couldn't remember.

It was strange, though, because he knew he'd been there, too. And the Earl. The Earl had been… had been looming in front of him, he remembered. With that big grin, and then he'd… he'd pulled off his face. And then Allen couldn't remember what happened next. But…

He thought he'd been screaming. Maybe. But it was hard to remember.

Allen glanced up and noticed that the screaming had stopped, so he could clearly hear Lenalee's hysterical sobs. Link was leaning over the little boy… oh, that was Timothy. What was wrong with Timothy? Why was Link binding him? Did Nyne know about this?

Why was Link wearing that face? It was too sad. Too angry.

On legs that didn't seem to want to hold him, Allen stuttered forward, ignoring Kanda's angry grab for him. He let his legs fold once he reached Link and knelt beside him, knees slamming into the ground.

"Where's Nyne?" he asked Link.

Timothy was panting. There were tear tracks on his face. His eyes were unfocused. Allen tilted his head, brow creased, and he reached forward to brush his fingers across the boy's forehead. Timothy jerked away and Allen heard another scream, but it was short.

Allen's fingers wouldn't stay still. He felt cold. Maybe he should go inside soon; he was shivering.

"She's dead."

Allen lifted his head to look at Link. "Where's Nyne?" he repeated. His voice sounded high and strange. His mouth was dry. His fist clenched.

Link looked at him. His brow was furrowed; he looked tired and angry and now worried, too. His breathing was heavy.

"C-calm down, Allen. Focus on me and take a deep breath."

"Where's Cross?" Allen asked. His voice was unsteady and wavering.

"He's coming, Allen. Just keep calm. Lavi is going to get him."

Allen's voice heightened. He sounded so childish. He'd have to fix that later. Wasn't supposed to sound childish. "W-where's Mana? Link, where's Mana?"

Link was staring at him. Allen's face was wet, and he was shaking, and it was hard to breath.

"Where's Mana?" Allen repeated, louder. He wanted Mana. "I know he's alive. You can't hide him from me anymore! _You can't hide him, I know he's not dead!"_

He remembered now. He remembered, and he couldn't breathe.

The Millennium Earl was Mana. The Millennium Earl was Mana, and he'd killed Johnny and ripped Neah from Allen's head and left Allen behind, because he didn't love Allen at all. Just Neah. Just the Noah in his head.

A scream boiled in Allen's chest, and a whine erupted from his throat, and Link reached forward. His hand landed on Allen's shoulder and he was pulled to his chest just as he began to scream, hands going up to clutch his hair.

He didn't want to remember, he didn't want to remember, he wanted to forget, forget, forget…

Link was touching him and Allen was crying and Link was trying to be Mana but he wasn't, he wasn't, Mana was a lie and Allen was a lie and there was nothing left, no one, just a little boy flailing in the darkness and Allen didn't want it, didn't want it.

He couldn't breathe and his vision was going dark. Lenalee was crying, and there were pounding footsteps. Allen could still hear screaming and sobs from fallen people, calls for help and for medics, Komui calling to Lenalee, Lavi yelling, Kanda struggling.

"Idiot apprentice, don't you fucking dare pass out!"

Allen passed out.

* * *

Link couldn't sleep.

He'd paced, he'd read, he'd filled out the most boring paperwork he could find, and he was shaking with exhaustion, but he couldn't sleep. He wondered if the exorcists were starting to rub off on him.

Soon, the exorcists would start to wake from their nightmares, and screaming would fill the house serving as Headquarters. And then Lavi would start to try and calm Lenalee and Timothy, and Cross would come to put Allen back down because Allen was at his most together when Cross was around. Kanda would burst in and see Allen calming down and that would hopefully keep him from trying to kill them, but he wouldn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night, so he'd fall asleep the next day. Cross would drink himself to sleep, Lavi would stick around to watch over them, and Link would go back to trying to sleep.

Link knew the drill by now. They all did.

The exorcists were looking sicker every day. They weren't getting better, they were getting worse, and the worst thing - the _worst thing_ \- was corralling them into battle, hating himself for it every minute, and then _watching them._

If this is what it took to save the world, it might not be worth it after all. But that wasn't his decision to make.

Distantly, he heard Timothy scream, and then Lenalee. Beside him, Allen sat up, wide-eyed and crying and shaking, and footsteps pounded in the halls.

They couldn't do this for much longer, and neither could Link.

* * *

 **Well, that was fun for everyone involved. Obviously, we're starting to draw to a close now, and as it turns out, Link is not much more helpful a narrator than Allen is. Also, we find out what broke Allen and Kanda. *bright smile* Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	8. Eighth Dream

**A/N: ...I considered killing Cross this chapter, too. (Cross was not originally going to be in the story, so I don't have a place for him.) Almost done, by the way. Another chapter or two.**

 **Thank you to Cutiepie120048, Phantom Flickering Gundam-Ryuu, NaruShika-Forever, i love pink, Yami-The Lord of Darkness, InsanityOwl, and RMXStudio for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"But Zokalo is an exorcist," Allen protested to Link. His arms didn't feel secure enough around him, and he tightened them, shaking and scared, cold and confused. "And exorcists are _family."_ The only family he had.

It was dark. The moon was big. There was screaming again, always the screaming. He thought it was Lenalee, and Timothy, and others, too. Cross was yelling somewhere. He could hear someone's roars of mindless rage, and smashing. Kanda was shaking beside him, always beside him, but his fists were clenched and his eyes were closed.

"Allen, Zokalo has gone _mad._ He's killing people. Can't you see?"

Allen shook his head. No, Zokalo didn't kill people anymore. He shook his head. Zokalo was a friend. He was a friend. You didn't kill friends. He shook his head. You didn't hurt family. Not on purpose, never on purpose, never.

Lavi was crying, leaning over somebody. He was very good at ignoring things when he wanted to. Allen hadn't known that about him.

"Bookman! _Bookman!_ Wake up, you stupid old panda, _wake up!"_

"Allen _Walker,_ this… this is _not a ch-choice!"_

Allen jumped, hard, at the sound of the voice, loud and hard and harsh and cracking. Link's face was frightening, glaring at him with tears and fire and blood. Allen flinched back. A sword flashed through the air and there was a yell, and Link clapped a hand over his side. Mugen gleamed with a dark liquid. Allen looked up. Kanda's eyes were dark. So dark. Angry and wild. And he was pale.

Everything was too loud. Too fast. Allen couldn't catch up. He was falling behind. Just because he could walk didn't mean he could run. He'd trip. He'd fall. And then he wouldn't get up again. Not again.

Not again.

Chaoji was on the ground. He'd fallen. He was asleep. Fast asleep. Allen took another step back, away from Link. It was cold. He couldn't think. Lenalee was screaming, and she sounded angry, and scared, and lost. So lost. She kicked the raging man in the face and he flew back, and landed on his back, and he yelled. He yelled so loud. He yelled so angry.

Oh. Komui was asleep, too. That must be why Lenalee was so lost. Komui had always been her north star. Now she had none. No stars for Lenalee. None that were still bright, anyway. None she could see.

Allen exhaled. It was loud, too, and shaky. He was shivering again.

Link exhaled, too. It sounded painful. His hand was still on his side. Allen could see red under it. It dripped onto the ground and stained it like paint.

"Please, Walker. We need you to put Zokalo down. _Please."_

Allen's gaze flicked to Link's eyes. He sounded tired. He said 'please'. He looked tired. Allen didn't want Link to go to sleep. Not like this.

"Okay," Allen whispered. He stepped back again. Kanda shook his head.

Lenalee screamed, and there was a girl on the ground, near Allen. She was crying, and gasping for breath, and her shirt was red. Shiny. It flickered in the light, and Allen stared at it. It heaved. He could hear gasping, and sobs, and whimpers. And then they stopped.

It was still loud. He could hear his heartbeat. He couldn't breathe.

 _My friends. My friends. My family. Please. Please._

Kanda wasn't next to him anymore. He was angry now. He'd left Mugen behind. It gleamed in the dim light. He was attacking the raging man with his bare hands, and his eyes were wide, and he was snarling. He was bleeding.

"Dammit, Winters! _God fucking damn you!"_

Cross was so mad. It was almost a comfort. Allen took it for what it was, and Crown Clown woke up, and he moved, he ran, and he wondered when he'd fall.

The man was fast. Zokalo was fast. And he was strong. He hit hard. It hurt.

The walls were falling down around them. There was a ringing in Allen's ears. He had long black claws, and they dug into Zokalo's chest, and Zokalo roared and hit Allen and it hurt, his head cracked against the ground and he rolled over and Crown Clown stood him up and he coughed.

Kanda was hitting Zokalo again and again, and Zokalo hit him back, and Cross wasn't talking anymore and that never meant anything good. Blood flew. It spattered against the ground, but Allen couldn't tell where; the ground was red. The light was dim, but he saw Miranda on the ground with eyes blank, lying still with red all around. The ground was red.

Black and white and grey and red. Go deeper, Allen. See the souls. Hear them scream. Watch them cry. _Just like me, Allen. You did this. It's your fault._

Allen was falling. He was falling and he couldn't stop. He couldn't scream, his throat was too tight. He couldn't watch, his eyes were too wet. His body hurt. Crown Clown was stained with blood. It was hard to move. His claws gleamed. Kanda screamed at Zokalo and Zokalo screamed back, and Cross stood back and watched and Allen didn't recognize his look, his face, but he'd never seen it like this, so angry and so pained.

Except when Cross knew something Allen didn't. Something Allen didn't want to know. Something he had to tell him anyway.

Allen lunged, he flew through the air and air rushed by and he rushed by. He slammed into Zokalo and Zokalo fell, and he rolled and Zokalo's arm was trapped under him, and Kanda trapped the other. Zokalo thrashed and arched and screamed, and Cross walked up with dark eyes and a glare. His mask looked ominous in the moonlight, and Allen watched it with wide silver eyes. Cross scowled, and Judgement was in his hand, and he pointed it at Zokalo's head.

"Winters, you fucking idiot."

 _Bam._

* * *

 **Sorry, NaruShika. Your request is denied. It's really not going to get any better. By the way, guys, if it's any consolation, Lavi is gonna come out of this okay. Or at least not insane. He's rather sturdy, actually. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	9. Ninth Dream

**A/N: Happy, happy story.**

 **Thank you to Cutiepie120048, WordsLeftBehind, Resident of Wonderland, InsanityOwl, Yami-The Lord of Darkness, NaruShika-Forever, RMXStudio, Kenzie Perth, Darke13, and Red Raven08 for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

"Just the Earl left, huh?"

Lavi sounded tired. Allen shuffled the cards in his hand, knees pulled to his chest. It was cold. They were in a forest; past the firelight, Allen could see flickering shadows, hear chattering wildlife. It sounded active. Like life. It had been a while.

"Just the Earl. I'm not sure whether it's a relief or a nightmare."

"Let's go with both."

There weren't a lot of people here. Link's hand was on his forehead again; he was staring into the fire. Lavi was staring at the sky. Allen wondered if Lavi knew all the constellations. It seemed like the sort of thing he'd know. Maybe he should ask.

"Lavi, what constellations can you see?" Allen asked.

Lavi laughed. It was a little hoarse, and it sounded strange, but he looked at Allen and gave him a weary grin, and Allen smiled hesitantly back. Lavi pointed up, and Allen obediently followed his finger.

"Well, there's Orion - see those three stars there? He was a hunter once…"

Allen listened, and Lavi sounded a little better as he talked about the stories in the sky.

Beside Allen, Kanda was asleep, hunched over uncomfortably. Kanda was silly. Timothy was asleep, too, but Link put him in the tent earlier. Reever was beside Link, still talking to him, but Allen had stopped paying attention. He liked Lavi's stories.

"And that's Cassiopeia. She was a queen, one of the most vain women in mythology, and trust me, Allen, that's saying a lot."

"We need to make our move soon. I'm serious, Link. I'm not sure how much longer they'll last."

"I _know,_ Reever."

"...I'm not exactly sure they _can,_ even now. I mean…"

"Then there's Andromeda, Cassiopeia's daughter. Now _she_ was unlucky. Almost as unlucky as you, Allen."

"Yes, I know what you mean. But… This is what they were born for, Reever. They're exorcists, after all. Their Innocence chose them _because_ they'll fight until their last breath… no matter what may befall them."

"If you're sure…"

"That's Cancer. He's a crab who pinched Hercules on the foot, and Hera rewarded him because she hated Hercules."

"I am. Or at least, well, as sure as I can be. Besides, they've managed so far."

"For a given definition of 'managing'."

"Don't be difficult."

"That one is Draco, the dragon who protected the golden apples of the Hesperides, which supposedly made one immortal. Selfish old thing."

"You're right. Sorry."

"I'm going to talk to Allen. I think that he has the best chance of… of understanding."

"There's Pegasus, the original, well, pegasus - a horse with wings. Sounds pretty cool, right, Allen? I'd have liked to ride that."

"You're probably right. Want me to help?"

"No, I'd rather do it myself."

Allen heard footsteps, and he started slightly as Link appeared in front of him. Link looked at him for a long time, and Lavi stopped speaking. Allen tilted his head and frowned. Link looked very serious and pensive and tired. Allen was concerned.

"Link? What's wrong?" he asked.

Link exhaled. It sounded a little like a laugh. It also sounded like it hurt. Allen's brow furrowed.

Link knelt in front of him, like Mana used to do with Allen. Allen's frown softened slightly and he bit his lip. Link looked solemn. He had something to say, Allen realized.

"Allen. Are you aware that most of the Noah are dead?"

This sounded like it was important to Link. Allen's frown deepened again, and he thought hard. The Noah… oh. That's right. He nodded.

"Do you know how many are left?"

...It was hard to think. Allen couldn't remember. He tried, he did, but he couldn't remember. His mind was foggy. Fights were especially foggy, and it hurt to remember. It hurt his head and his chest ached and he didn't want to remember. It made him breathe too fast and his head felt too light and he was dizzy.

"That's okay, Allen, don't try. There's just one, understand? Just one."

"...Just one?" Allen asked softly. His voice sounded strange and rough. He swallowed. It was cold outside, but he wouldn't go any closer to the fire than this. It made Link and Reever and Lavi nervous.

"Just one. The Millennium Earl. Do you understand, Allen?"

The Millennium Earl. The Noah leader, Allen thought. And… something else. He was the only one left? The only one. So the rest were dead. He wondered how they died. He nodded.

"We need to kill him soon. Do you know why?"

Allen knew why. They needed to save the world. "We need to save the world."

"That's right. Can you do that?"

Allen didn't know. Maybe. He didn't want to. That didn't matter, though. Nothing mattered. Nothing mattered anymore. They had to save the world. The world had to move on. Everything hurt. It had to stop. They had to stop it. "Yes." Make it _stop._

Link smiled. It looked relieved. It looked like it hurt. Allen leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Link and set his head on his shoulder, and Link steadied him. Allen was shivering.

It didn't matter anymore.

"It'll be alright, Allen. You'll be alright. You'll be alright."

Link was a very good liar. Allen was better, though.

* * *

There was a ringing in Allen's ears. It wasn't loud enough, though.

Mana was frowning. There was a sword in his hand. In his hand and in Mana's hand. They clashed, and it was loud, and Allen only heard a little of what Mana said. He didn't want to listen. His head hurt. His throat hurt.

"What did they do to you, Allen? What's wrong? Aren't you happy with them? Without Neah?"

No. Allen didn't want to hear it. Mana was dead. Mana was _dead._ He'd taken Neah and left Allen behind and Allen had been crying on his grave and he was _dead._

"Shut _up."_

Link sounded so angry. He got between them and glared at Mana, and Mana glared back. It wasn't Mana, though. Mana never glared.

Mana had put Timothy to sleep almost as soon as the battle started. He said he couldn't talk to Allen if Timothy was screaming. Allen didn't want to talk to him. He didn't want to. His chest hurt. It was hard to think. There was a ringing in his ears, and he couldn't scream anymore. His throat hurt too much. It was hard to breathe.

It was always hard to breathe now.

Lavi was bloody. Lavi had tried to get between Allen and Mana. Lavi was a good friend, but now he couldn't seem to move. He wasn't asleep yet, though. His eyes were open. So was his mouth; there was blood coming from it, on his face. Maybe he was trying to speak.

Kanda was still standing, but he was headed off every time he attacked. Link was trying to work with him, but Kanda was attacking wildly. Kanda was so mad at Mana. So mad. He hated him so much.

Allen couldn't remember why, though. It was too hard to think. Too hard to breathe.

 _Mana. Mana, please. Please, Mana, I don't want to. I'm sorry._

"I'm sorry, Allen."

Mana looked sorry, too. Allen's breath hitched. Now wasn't the time to be cold. He was trying to… what was he trying to do?

That's right. He was… he was saving the world.

Right. Okay. He had to keep breathing. So he could save the world.

"So, so sorry."

Mana dropped his sword. Kanda's Mugen was in his arm. He was on his knees. Link pinned him down. Allen was crying. Allen felt so confused. What was he trying to do? He was staring at Mana. His face was wet. It was cold, he was shivering, he couldn't breathe. What was he trying to do? What did they want from him?

"Allen. Please."

Oh.

"I love you, Mana," Allen whispered, and tears glazed his eyes, and he didn't want to, didn't want to, didn't want to-

Allen's sword moved on its own. Mana closed his eyes. He didn't open them again.

Red blood flew through the air, and green exploded.

What was he trying to do? He had to keep breathing. There was a ringing in his ears.

What was he trying to do?

* * *

 **Happy, happy story. Nothing is wrong here. Everything is going swell. *cough* Just the epilogue left now. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


	10. Last Dream

**A/N: Hello and goodbye.**

 **Thank you to Resident of Wonderland, Phantom Flickering Gundam-Ryuu, Bloody Carnage Princess, InsanityOwl, Yami-The Lord of Darkness, Lena-luvs-cats, RMXStudio, and MsMusicLover for reviewing!**

 **Title: Sweet Dreams**

 **Author: liketolaugh**

 **Rating: T**

 **Pairings: None**

 **Genre: Angst/Tragedy**

 **Warnings: Character death, insanity**

 **Summary: Allen was the least stable to begin with, so it was no surprise that he went first. And really, it was a very high-stress job, and a lot of the exorcists were just too young. It was no surprise that they went mad.**

 **Disclaimer: I only wish I owned D. Gray-man.**

* * *

Allen could see the ocean. It sparkled. He wondered how far down it was, off the cliffs.

Link was making dinner; it was almost done. Allen was making dinner with him, and Kanda was watching the ocean. His eyes were dark. His hair gleamed slightly, spread across his shoulders, little strands waving in the wind. Allen smiled. It was always nice to see Kanda. He liked seeing Kanda. He smiled at Kanda.

Reever was talking to Link. He looked worried. There was a little bug in his hair, and then it flew away. Reever always looked worried. Allen didn't like- Allen liked seeing Reever relax. He smiled at Reever.

"So, what now?"

"I don't know. The world… it barely scraped by. It will be… difficult."

A bird chirped. Allen wondered if it was hungry. Link sounded anxious. Allen was worr- Allen liked seeing Link happy. He smiled at Link. Link's brow wrinkled, and Allen laughed. Link was silly. Really silly…

"We can't abandon them."

"Of course not."

Allen jumped. Link's voice was harsh. He sounded angry.

"We'll find a way. We have to."

Link's voice was softer now. Allen tilted his head. The sky was cloudy. The sun was bright; it would fall from sight soon. He let his gaze fall. The food was burning. He took it off.

"He can still hear you, by the way."

Link sounded annoyed. Allen absently reached over and patted his arm. It was okay. It wasn't Link's fault, or Reever's, either. Link shouldn't worry about it. Link worried too much. It made his brow wrinkle and then he looked silly, and Link didn't like to be laughed at.

"Right, sorry. Sorry, Allen."

"Don't worry, Reever," Allen answered, smiling at him. Reever smiled back. It was tired, but real. Allen's smile widened. Kanda coughed; it sounded like it hurt.

Dinner was ready, and they ate. There were pine needles on the ground, and leaves, and some rocks. Allen threw a pinecone into the fire. It crackled and sparked, and the sparks flew through the air and faded away. Allen felt warm. Warm was nice.

Kanda wasn't eating. Allen nudged him. Kanda should eat. It was rice, and beans, and meat, and Allen liked it. It was warm.

"They'll be okay."

Link didn't sound very sure. Allen laughed. A squirrel ran up a tree, and the branches rustled. Allen watched. It had beady black eyes.

Allen couldn't see the sun anymore.

Link appeared in front of Allen. Allen wondered what he wanted and tilted his head. He looked tired, but not very worried, which was good. Allen smiled at him, puzzled.

"Allen, it's time to go to sleep."

Oh. Allen smiled and nodded. The stars were pretty. Allen liked the stars.

Allen went into the tent with Link, and Kanda went with Reever. It was cold, but Allen didn't shiver. The tent was blue.

"Goodnight, Allen."

"Goodnight, Link," Allen smiled. He closed his eyes and breathed. His chest felt heavy. He could hear an owl and wondered who it was speaking to. The cloth of his shirt rubbed against his skin. It was cold. Monsters loomed in the darkness. Link was asleep.

Allen didn't want to wake Link, so he was quiet when he got up and left the tent.

Allen could see the moon. The ocean sparkled, and so did the stars. There were monsters in the forest. That was okay. Allen wasn't scared of monsters anymore.

 _Never stop. Always keep walking._

The world was dark. It was cold, and it was hard to breathe. Allen was shivering.

Cloth rustled behind him, and he walked forward. Kanda appeared beside him, and Allen started, looked over, and smiled. It was always good to see Kanda. The moon was bright. The ocean sparkled. Kanda looked confused, brow furrowed, gaze roving around. His hand twitched, but he didn't have Mugen.

"Good morning, Kanda," Allen whispered, taking Kanda by the hand like Mana had taken Red. "Good morning."

Kanda regarded him with that dark confused gaze, and Allen smiled and pulled him over to the edge of the cliff. He looked down. There was white foam at the bottom, and rocks. He wondered how far it was to the ocean, off the cliff.

 _Never stop. Always keep walking._

It was hard to breathe.

When he looked up, Kanda was looking at him. His eyes were dark and gleamed in the starlight. He understood this, Allen realized. Kanda didn't understand much anymore, but he understood this.

Kanda looked down. A small frown tugged at one corner of his mouth; his brow was furrowed. Allen watched. Kanda had always understood death best. As well as Allen did, even.

Kanda never took his eyes off the ocean. He let go of Allen's hand, and he stepped forward, and he fell. Allen's gaze drifted slowly down to follow him to the rocks far below.

Like sleeping and waking, it was hard to tell the difference between flying and falling.

Allen wondered when he'd tripped.

 _Never stop. Always keep walking._

He could no longer trust Mana and nothing made sense anymore. How much of what Mana taught him was gone now? How much was a lie? Did he… did he still have to keep walking?

Time to find out. Allen smiled.

Cloth rustled behind him. Allen closed his eyes, and he flew.

 _"ALLEN!"_

* * *

 **I'm sure that at least some of you were expecting that. That last line was Link, by the way. Allen and Kanda don't survive their fall, and Reever and Link freak out for a while before going their separate ways and living with the memories. A few finders and scientists survived, they're... somewhere. Thanks for reading, and please review!**


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